Mind and Flesh Page 21

  “Ok good. It's nice that you handled things well.”

  “Yeah, well it wasn't thanks to you.”

  “Is that resentment?”

  “Yes, but nevermind me. It's just a feeling, nothing bad.”

  “Alright.”

  “Actually… there is something else I need to tell you.” This sentence makes my heart skip a beat. I have no idea what she is going to say, but starting it like that cannot mean anything good.

  “Yes?”

  “Today… I had terrible headaches. It happened three times.”

  “The same as me… As you before?”

  “Yes…” Her voice trembles. With good reason. She probably thought that in a new body, she would be free of the horrible headaches that cripple me.

  Me being the only one with a headache would have been understandable. An issue specific to this body. However, she also experienced the same symptoms. Thus, except if we are really unlucky to the point of transferring to two deficient bodies in a row… “So it is linked to the machine…” I whisper.

  “Yes. That is what I think as well.”

  “Shit.”

  “Indeed. I have given some thoughts to the matter, and here are the possibilities I came up with. It could be a mistake that the machine made during the transfer to you, and that carried over. Maybe from an error in calibration. Or since you were drunk when your neurons were tampered with, it could have had an influence. Or some side-effect of the electro-magnetic perturbations that we didn't anticipate.”

  “Yes, all of these are possible.” She already gave this some thought. I wonder if I would have come to the same conclusions on my own. I suppose so. She just had a head start because she knew of her own migraines before me.

  “Then there is also something else that we could have anticipated.”

  “What is it?”

  “The number of neurons in each person is not rigorously identical! So when we switch, there could be a discrepancy in the number of neurons from the first person to the second. Like, we have on average about 85 billion neurons. But from one individual to the other, there could be a difference of a few billions. The machine just erases them all in the second person and excites the neurons in the same configuration as the first person. How does it behave when there is not enough room for all the copies to take root?”

  “Fucking shit. I didn't think about it. When we first switched body… it was not prepared… There were no real extensive testing on the rabbits to prepare for such a scenario... Ok, so either some neuronal networks were missed entirely, or some parts disappeared, making the patterns less strong or make less sense, or finally… do you think the machine would have copied the surplus over existing neurons?”

  “This… is possible. All of these hypotheses are possible. We could have thought about this sooner, especially since we actually checked the difference of numbers in the pigs. We need to program the machine to take these factors into account for next time.”

  “For next time? We are screwed! We are doomed to live with these fucking headaches. Forever.”

  “Can't we just find out the neuronal regions they trigger and erase it, just like for the rape memory?”

  “I don't think so. A memory is just a memory, but the headaches are likely related to neurons involved in the overall function of the brain. It is too risky.”

  “Shit.”

  “Exactly. Well, let's enjoy having this chronic disease for the rest of our lives.”

  “Is it worth it, in these conditions?”

  “I don't know…”

  I really don't know. I am weak. I change bodies when they are not to my liking. I do not resist the suffering, accept it and move on. I try to leave my issues behind. However, now I am condemned. I will have to bear this defect for the rest of my life, in whichever body I transfer to. So the question is, is it worth to keep on living in these conditions? I cannot accept my flaws and live happily. I will never be happy. I am a shitty human being.

  “Let's keep to our plans,” she says, “and then we will see. I think we are right to try to better humanity. Fuck, someone has to do it, since no god has ever made it happen. Man has to do it for himself, we have the power to do so, and we have the moral obligation to do so.”

  I silently nod. Still, is a fucked up person suited to better humanity?

  “By the way,” she continues, “you need to tell me everything about the meeting with that fucking asshole. Was he as despicable and grinning as always?”

  “Yeah, pretty much.”

  ***

  My short and plump colleague looks at me angrily. He is unhappy that I called him in my office to tell him off.

  “Come on boss, I am doing good work here. Cut me some slack.”

  “This has nothing to do with work and you know it. The intern has been here for three months, and for three months you kept sexually harassing her.”

  “I am not harassing her! We are just playing around, in good fun.”

  What a dick. He is fucking disgusting, and yet he says that it is in good fun? “It is already bad that you were verbally harassing her all along. But slapping her bottom is bringing it to a whole new level of inadmissible.” Just picturing it is freaking me out and causing me to be alarmingly upset.

  “No! She should be flattered. It means that she has a nice ass!” I want to suck his fat out and paint it on his face.

  “No, it means that you have no self-control and no respect for her. And that you think that she is an object if you can invade her personal space to your leisure.”

  “Ok, ok, that was too much, I admit. But for the rest… no!” He pauses, then continues with a sad tone. “Women have no eyes for me. This is my only way to attract their attention.”

  “Then you are just doing it wrong. You should start by putting yourself in question, and give a better image of yourself if you can.” I don’t even see how anyone could choose him over any other possibility. It is not just the looks, he also keeps acting like a dick.

  “Oh, it is easy for you to say,” he comments with a bitter tone. “You are good looking. You don’t have to make any efforts.” He hesitates, then continues “And don’t you think that we have not seen you? You and the intern? Is that why you are so possessive of her? Are you jealous?”

  “That is none of your business!” I angrily reply. Yes I am fucking jealous. And if he knows that I am close to her, it is even worse that he was hitting on her like a fucking pig! Who the fuck does that guy think he is? He does not even respect the authority of his superior! “That is enough! If you don’t mind your own business, you will be laid off as soon as the work on the machine is done. And if you keep harassing her, it will happen even sooner! And whether or not there is something going on between me and her, that does not change that you should treat women with more respect or else you will indeed never be able to do more than harass them!” Fuck he pissed me off so much. If I did not need him to finish the job, I would slam his face against the wall and then throw him through the window.

  “You are really harsh,” he whispers while looking much depressed, “I will just shut up and behave, ok.”

  Without waiting for my signal, he gets up and leaves my office.

  ***

  After finishing the pizza, she decides to breach the subject. “Did you tell something to that slimy pig recently?”

  “Yes, last week,” I reply. “He has been behaved better since, no?”

  “Shit. Why did you do that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Before she can answer, she suddenly starts squinting forcefully.

  As she reaches for her pocket, I recognize our usual headache symptoms.

  “Fuck… Fuck…” she comments with a broken voice. She then grabs my glass of water since hers is empty, and swallows the pill. Then she waits a few moments, until her heavy breathing goes back to normal. “I was sick of it and I wanted to kill him, but it was my responsibility to tell him off. Not yours.”

  “Why d
idn’t you say anything earlier then?”

  “Because… because I am just a fucking intern, so he still has a higher rank than me in the hierarchy. He is in a position of higher power.”

  “Well we didn’t fill up any official forms about your status yet. Besides, what you said is true and that is why it was my role to intervene.”

  “Yeah ok… It just annoys me that I was weak and did not do anything. I felt like whatever I wanted to do would be too extreme, you know? Like I wanted to pin a screwdriver in his eyes or staple his tongue.”

  “Yes, I have these urges too, but I have to control myself not to let them take over. You know we cannot afford to attract too much attention.”

  “Of course.”

  “Hey… you know… I feel better since we are together. I am really glad to have you.” I feel embarrassed to say that. As if I was narcissistic to the point of declaring my love to myself.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I feel safer with you. In peace. Finally with someone that understands me.” She suddenly looks very serious. This is not good. “What is wrong?”

  “You shouldn’t feel that way about me.” This feels very wrong. Why is she saying that?

  “What do you mean? Don’t we share an awesome relationship? We can connect to a very deep level, which makes sense since we are the same person. We both have great desire for the body of the other one. Sex is good. The only bad thing is these fucking headaches that keep occurring. Lately… Lately I have been thinking that we could give up. Give it all up and elope together, and forget about the craziness of the world. We would be each other’s world.” I hope that my words moved her. That she feels the same about me. However, what she said gives me a bad feeling. I guess that is also why I opened myself so much. I am desperate to convince her to be happy as well.

  “I…”

  “What?”

  “I was thinking that… I feel more comfortable in that body now. I would like to have sex with another male than you. To see how it would be.”

  “Fuck you!” My heart skipped a beat. I feel like I was just sliced with a sword. My feet are shaking. My fists are shaking. “Why the fuck would you do that?”

  “Curiosity… The need to explore my body… To see how someone else making love to me would feel… I am sure that you would do the same if you were me, because technically… I am you.”

  I am so pissed off. I thought she was mine… That we could be happy… For once I had found some peace, and now she denies it from me… “How can you do that to me… Can’t you abstain yourself…”

  “Stop being so angry, it could just be a one-time thing. It doesn’t mean we can’t be together.”

  I can’t picture her with someone else. She is mine now. She is me! How can she be anyone else’s? I need to act.

  I quickly get up, turn around and grab a sharp knife from the kitchen. I turn towards her again and rush her. I need to make her disappear. Cease the pain. Kill the betrayer.

  She throws her plate at me. I try to dodge but it hits my shoulder, falls to the ground and breaks while I lose some momentum. I kick the chair out of my way.

  “STOP IT!” she yells.

  “Fuck you!” I shout in return as a try to slash at her.

  She suddenly grabs my hand, which makes me fall on her. She knocks my hand several times against the wall. Fuck, it hurts! I drop the knife.

  “Please! Clam down! You need to stop this!” she pleads.

  Since I fell and lost the knife, I feel my resolve shattering. I stay here, next to her, showing my hate for her by not opening my mouth. She doesn’t deserve that I waste my saliva for her. She should just disappear and die.

  “I promise,” she starts, “I promise that I will not have sex with anyone else. Are you happy now? Did you get what you want?”

  After some time, I finally reply “Thank you.” I take what I can get, but I am not satisfied at all. That she could simply think about it is already a betrayal in itself. I am full of hate for her. Right now, I just need to think and lure her into security until I figure out what to do.

  Would I really have thought the same in her position? Should I put myself in her shoes to relativize? I guess that when I was my wife I was happy to explore her body. And now the female me knows that she has new experiences to discover. Now that I fucking made her comfortable. So what, I better her, and now she thinks that it is alright to betray me? Fuck her. She should have thought about how it feels for me.

  A disturbing idea starts to take shape: I would also make the promise not to do anything just to shut someone up, with no real intent to keep the promise. Thus… I am almost certain that this is what she is doing now. Shit.

  “I am sorry that I upset you,” she says sheepily. “I shoud have thought things through. Let’s go to bed and try to find peace again.”

  “Ok, but no sex. I am quite put off for now.”

  “I understand. Me too. You fucking assaulted me with a knife.”

  And now there is a very sad thought settling in my mind, making itself home. Every single human is capable of betrayal. And I can even betray myself.

  ***

  I am inspecting the assembly of a machine component done by my small colleague. I want to sigh to express my disappointment.

  Ever since I told him off the sexual harassment, he became a good-for-nothing. Sloppy, half-assed work. His heart is not in it anymore… So what, should I have allowed him to keep being an ass in exchange for keeping up the good work? Is that acceptable? Well considering how she wanted to fuck someone else, I am starting to think that she deserves no better treatment. Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck them all.

  I was so close to feel happy again, despite everything that happened. What if I tried to possess another girl, would she also turn out on me, or would the hurt I just experienced help her understand me more, and prevent her from taking the same path as the other one? Maybe I should rather seduce a real woman, without cheating. I don’t know anymore. I am full of hate and resentment, and I do not trust anyone, even myself.

  I look at my machine. We took it apart for my colleagues to inspect some parts, and to test the new pieces while they were built. So far, the new model is far from being functional. We have theorized the new technology and started to build it, but there is no telling yet if it will work or not.

  Caressing the machine with my fingers, a very dark thought comes across my mind. I created the girl. I should correct my mistake, and erase her. She is planning to betray me, so she should die. Killing her violently would put me at risk, while a cardiac arrest… then dumping her body… Yes. I should be the only one of me in existence. If I cannot control others, they are a liability and I should get rid of whoever can hurt me. Instinctively, I start to rebuild my machine, motivated by a death drive.

  My hands are holding an unfamiliar object that dropped off a part of the machine. I have never seen this contraption before. Shit, are my colleagues sloppy to the point of contaminating my work? If I had not noticed, it could interfere with the machine! A loose part could damage more sensitive equipment, create interference or even provoke a short-circuit! I am sure that the short guy is responsible, since he is very messy lately. Well, fuck this. I throw the part in the electronics collection bin.

  As I keep building the machine, I wonder if it would go faster if the female me was here to help. I feel stupid for thinking of such a thing. I do not want her to ask why I am assembling it again. I am glad that she did not come to work today. She said that she is feeling sick because of her period, but the timing does not match. She had her period two weeks ago. She probably does not want to be with me today. We were very cold to each other this morning. What a fucking waste.

  Here, I have built the machine again. I look at it with fondness. It is the only reason why I am still alive. It never failed me. Well, except for the headaches. However, it is also the reason why I am in a complete mess, so perhaps I would have had a normal life without it. Actually, I would have had a norma
l life but I would also have been condemned to suffer through whatever life throws at me. Life is shit. At least with the machine, I have had a chance to escape and fight back. And now a chance to better humanity, if the new one gets completed and I can ship my specific set of instructions to cancel out human base desires. Our lust for flesh, violence, power, greed. And perhaps I could insert a back-door access to control any machine remotely. If anyone annoys me and is in the vicinity of the machine, I could trigger a cardiac arrest. It would not be necessary in an ideal word permitted by my machine, but I still love the idea of having such a power over the shitty human beings. Would I still want to do that if the machine corrects me as well? Hopefully not. I keep fantasizing, but we need to make the new machine work and I need to test it before letting the government guy know.

  We should work on the new machine! Where are my colleagues again? I look at my watch. It is still early for them, they do come as early in the morning as me. Well, they might also have started coming later and later since the harassing incident. Shit. I probably need to fake being nicer with them, I might have broken they will to work for me.

  I should not forget to grab some chloroform from the labs on the fifth floor, so I can kill the female me whenever the occasion arises. Perhaps one of these mornings when we both come in to work very early.

  My ears burst. A fucking loud buzzing sound. A siren. Shit! I put my hands on my ears and look for an exit. I see other people reaching the stairs, some of them covering their ears as well. The fire alarm is off, we need to evacuate.

  I follow the queue calmly walking out. Is this a drill? The sound is making me feel that my head is about to explode. Fuck, the hammers on my temples again! It hurts!

  While walking down the stairs, oblivious to the people around, I quickly swallow a pill.