Mind and Flesh Read online

  “I am divorced, but I have a son. Ten years old, and living with his mother.”

  “I am sorry. How come?”

  “This is not my proudest story…”

  “You can tell me if you don’t mind. Since we are going to collaborate on this project, we might as well be friends and know each other better.”

  His face lightens up at the mention of being friends with me. He has so much respect for the reputation of my body… Ugly, disgusting body.

  “All right. Don’t judge me too badly please.” I nod. “It was about the time I was studying. I was seeing this girl. But it was more like, she was filling my needs and a warm body to comfort me during the hardship of my thesis.” I grin. “But she wanted more than that. She wanted my undivided attention, plans, and activities together. I couldn’t. Work was really hard and taking all the energy out of my mind. Yet, one day, she got pregnant.”

  “Was she not on birth control?”

  “No, she was not. She did not want hormones to mess with her body, and she wanted me to wear a condom. I think that one day I reintroduced myself inside of her, after removing the condom. I am not sure, but that might be it. Sorry, too much detail…” It seems like when he starts telling me a story, his eyes lose focus on me and he drifts back to his memories, following his train of thoughts without filtering what he says.

  “It’s fine, don’t worry. What happened after?”

  “Her family is very religious. They pressured us into marrying each other. I had enough worries about my research, so I ended up accepting. She was happy. She thought that things would change. That I would take better care of her. But I didn’t. I focused even more on work. I was unable to even take care of the kid when it was born. She was fed up with my lack of involvement, and ended up divorcing. One of her colleagues was giving her the attention she needed, so her decision to leave me didn’t seem to pain her at all. She ended up marrying him.”

  “I’m sorry mate… Here, take another beer.” I hand him another bottle. “How often do you see your kid?”

  “Not often. I never fought her for the guard. I only see him during some holidays.”

  “And since then, any other girl in your life? You look quite handsome if I may say so.”

  “Thank you.” He smiles, looking even better. So much better than my gross body. “Well, there have been a few women since. But I kept been focused on science and my career, while they wanted to move, dance, travel, whatever. So they all eventually got bored and left me. Perhaps I… didn’t look for the right ones, but I never made too many efforts to find someone.”

  “At least you are young but seem quite successful in your career! You already manage your own lab.”

  “Yes life is not going bad on that end. What about you? I saw quite a few womanly items in the house, and yet we are alone.”

  “Those womanly items are mine. I like cross-dressing,” I reply with a straight face.

  “What? Really?” He looks completely bemused.

  “I am kidding. I would never do that.” Except if I was in the body of a woman. “No,” I continue, “I had a wife but we divorced quite recently. Her stuff is still lying around.”

  “Hoping she will come back?”

  “No… Just that it didn’t come to my mind to get rid of it.”

  “But isn’t that bothering you, to see items that remind you of her?”

  Ah. Right. I guess I should lie to seem more normal. It would come across as quite cold that I did not care at all about my wife. This wife that was not mine. “Yes, it bothers me a bit. I just didn’t imagine myself throwing away part of my life and erase any sign of her existence.” That was a good save, I hope. “I will get the second pizza, I will be right back with the wine as well.” I escape as quickly as possible so he does not ask more questions about the situation with the wife.

  Before leaving the table, I take a look at the bottles. He is not drinking enough. I pick up a bottle of my own, and smile at him while gesturing him to go ahead and get another one. As soon as I enter the kitchen, I empty the content of my bottle in the sink. I put the second pizza in the microwave and wait until it is ready, then bring it back to the dining room.

  “Awesome, thank you!” he says. He seems more and more relaxed.

  “Do you enjoy sports?” I ask. His body seems pretty fit, and I suppose that I will have to maintain it in good shape.

  “I watch tennis a lot!” he tells with an air of deep appreciation.

  “Do you practice it?”

  “No, no I don’t. I just enjoy watching. I am terrible at it.”

  “So how do you keep yourself fit?”

  “I am in a rowing team. I go there twice of thrice a week.”

  “Oh I see.”

  “What about you?”

  “I… run. I enjoy running in a park.” Not since I am in this body…

  I do not want to go rowing in a club. Perhaps I could buy one of these machines that simulate rowing? Or I could just go for my usual exercise, I wasn’t looking awful back when I was in my original body.

  He finally clearly looks tipsy. He is smiling broadly, as if he was floating on a little cloud. His sentences are slightly less articulate.

  “I will get another pizza and your wine!” I let out as I get up on my feet.

  “Bring it on!”

  I go back to the kitchen and heat up the third pizza. He is eating a lot, probably without even realizing anymore thanks to the alcohol. I look in the drawers until I find a corkscrew. There are even several to choose from. I bring the pizza to the dining room and come back to retrieve the wine in the fridge. I open it and serve him a generous glass.

  He seems to hesitate. “Go on,” I say, “I don’t drink often, but we need to celebrate our future collaboration on an ambitious project!”

  He nods, grabs his glass and drinks. I pour myself a lot less while he is not paying attention and I imitate him, without actually drinking anything.

  “So I have heard that in your lab your research officers specialized in electronics are quite good?” I enquire.

  “Ah yes! They are complete nerds but I have never seen a better team than those two.” He pauses. “They kind of work together while competing to be the first to find a solution. It drives them to always aim high and deliver on it.”

  “Are they easy to work with?”

  “Well, they are quite rebellious. I guess it is part of their character, they are very playful.” He seems about to speak again, but no word comes out of his mouth. I suppose that he is getting drunk and it takes him more time to gather his thoughts.

  He then resumes his speech “So when I ask them something they usually try to confuse me. I have to put my balls on the table and insist on what I want them to do. This can be annoying but I don’t mind. They do an excellent job.”

  “I see.”

  “I have heard that you work alone and do all the electronics part yourself. I wish I could do the same. But all I can do is having the idea of what I want to achieve, and then ask them to execute it.”

  “There are limits to what I can do too. This is also why we will need your colleagues.”

  “I guess you need them more than me.” His tone is bitter.

  “Don’t say that. I need you a lot more than you think. You are a key part of this project.”

  He smiles and lowers in his chair, looking contempt.

  “You still have not told me what it is about,” he remarks while clumsily pouring himself another glass of wine. He reached the drunkenness level in which he has no reservations to drink more.

  “I created a machine that can read minds and I want to collaborate with your lab to expand on it.”

  “Human minds?”

  “Yes.”

  “Holy shit. That’s… that’s amazing. You are sooo good.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Last I knew, we could see projections of images. What did you improve on? To what extent can you read?”

  “What I have is
real-time and smooth. And not just pictures. The thoughts can even be translated to sounds, like transcribing the inner voice.”

  I am just keeping him interested and motivated, I don’t need to tell him the true specifications of my machine and that I can actually re-write the neuronal network.

  “So many cool stuff we could do with it! Create speech for mute people, see what a patient in a coma is thinking…”

  I cut him “Would you like to try it? It is safe.”

  “Well… Yes! Of course. Fuck yes. This is amazing. When can I come to your lab?”

  “Oh I have the machine in here.”

  “What? At home? Isn’t it huge?”

  “Well it’s not small, but it can be transported.”

  “Show me!”

  “Alright, in a little bit. Not just yet.”

  “Why nottttttttt?” His level of alcohol is quite high, he kept drinking wine. He is now prepared for the first part of my plan.

  “Because I want you to sign non-disclosure agreements before we do anything.”

  “Alright give them to me nowww. I will sign.”

  “I sent you an e-mail right before. You need to log on to validate it. Here, please log on from my computer.”

  “Sure.”

  He stands up straight as an arrow, and robotically walks to the computer. He almost sits into position by letting himself fall. I move the mouse and the lock screen appears.

  “Password please?” he asks.

  “Why don’t you try yours? Imagine the odds we would have the same one.”

  “Aha ok. Lemme see.”

  He types on the keyboard as I try to see what he is typing. The computer rejects the password.

  “Doesn’t work,” he says.

  “Try again more slowly. You probably mistyped.”

  “Oh yeah. I am not drunk though.”

  He types more slowly and it gets rejected.

  “No you are drunk.”

  “I am not! Look, I will type this password correctly.”

  He seems to put a better focus on what he is doing. I didn’t catch all the keys he typed, but it doesn’t matter. I put a keylogger on the computer. Everything he typed is now saved.

  “That’s enough.” I enter my password. “Now log-in to your e-mail account.”

  “Yeah ok.”

  He opens the web browser and finds the e-mail service. He then repeatedly tries to type in his password and he eventually succeeds. Good.

  “Yay! You see? I’m not drunk.”

  “Brilliant!”

  “Where is that e-mail… I see nothing.”

  “Oh, I am sorry, I probably sent it to your phone!”

  As he grabs his phone and tries to unlock it, I pay attention to his combination. After a few times he succeeds again. While he checks his messages, I write down the combination on a piece of paper.

  “There is nothing there!”

  “Oh, well, never mind, let’s use the machine anyway.”

  “Yesss!”

  “Follow me, it is behind the couch. Just lie down there.”

  “Are you gonna read my mind or am I gonna read yours?”

  “Whichever you prefer.”

  “I want to read your mind! See what makes you so brilliant.”

  “Alright. Please lie down.”

  “Wait… I feel sick…”

  “Lie down, it will get better.”

  “No… I wanna puke…”

  Shit. I quickly go to the kitchen and try to find a bucket. I think I saw one under the sink.

  Yes, got it. I go back to the living room. He is on his knees.

  I put the bucket in front of him.

  He bends down and almost dives in with his head.

  “hhhh… hhhhhh…”

  “hhhh…”

  “Shit… I can’t even puke… so sick…”

  I am relieved that he doesn’t disgustingly vomits. And then it all comes out. Fuck. He vomits an orange and red paste with disgusting pieces seasoning it. The liquid sound and the visuals almost make me want to vomit in turn. I quickly go to the bathroom. I bend over the toilets.

  “hhhhh… hhhh…”

  I need to keep it inside. My thoughts escape my control and I imagine his vomit. My throat seems to pump something that my stomach pushes. I need to deviate my thoughts. They always come back to the awful substance.

  I vomit.

  My throat hurts but I feel relieved. I am sweating.

  I flush, rinse my mouth at the sink and go back to the living room. He is lying on the couch. I pick up the bucket, empty it in the toilets without looking. I can hear it splashing on the water. Disgusting. I feel like vomiting again.

  While using my peripheral vision, I press the button to flush it. I then rinse the bucket in the bathtub. So gross.

  I go back to the living room. He dozed off. He is completely in my power. I could start cutting him to pieces, he would barely oppose me. I grab a neuro-helmet behind the couch and put it on his head.

  Feeling touched, he opens his eyes.

  “No…. I feel sick…”

  I pick up the other neuro-helmet and place it on my head.

  “Take that off! Take that off!”

  He struggles to remove his neuro-helmet and he makes it fall. Shit.

  I remove my own neuro-helmet and go to the bedroom. I open the drawer where I stashed stun guns and pick one up. I go back to the living room.

  I put the neuro-helmet on my head while he is moving relentlessly on the couch. Be quiet!

  I aim and shoot the probe. It hits his torso.

  He screams and vomits at the same time, but at least he then stops moving.

  I put the neuro-helmet on his head.

  My sister climbing a tree when she was a kid. A series of numbers hanging from the tree instead of fruits. The system validates my password and grants me access. I select the program I already prepared. Take a deep breath and trigger it.

  Something feels amiss. A feeling has gone from my thorax.

  Quiet and silence in my body.

  My back becomes very tense.

  My limbs feel… cold. Very very cold.

  Is someone stabbing my breastbone?

  My jaw! Someone must have punched my jaw!

  There is a heavy pain in my chest area.

  Cold. My head is so warm though. I feel like my brain is being steamed.

  His eyes! He is looking at me. I see him, blurry but still handsome, moving in my vision as if he was flying around me at high speed.

  I try to breathe faster and faster to compensate for the strange spinning feeling taking over my feelings.

  The lights… the lights are wrong. Flashing lights at the edge of my view. In the middle of my view.

  PART 4 – Our Flesh

  My head is spinning fast.

  Everything is blurry.

  I can see myself. Right in front of me. Collapsed. Ugly.

  This is crazy. I smile. I laugh.

  I get up and feel something slipping off my head.

  My head is on level with the floor. Didn’t I just get up? I didn’t notice falling.

  Everything is spinning.

  There is a bucket full of vomit. Disgusting.

  Water. I need water.

  I crawl to the kitchen.

  Hold myself to a chair to get up. The chair slips and falls.

  I am on the floor again.

  I gather my strength. Get up as a spring. Boing! I giggle.

  I fix my mouth doing a huge, broad smile.

  I reach the sink. I drink water directly from the tap.

  As much as I can.

  Makes me want to pee.

  I go to the bathroom.

  I piss in the general direction of the toilet bowl.

  While peeing, I watch my hand. It is so sharp in contrast to the blurry room!

  If I move my hand slowly, I can follow its movement with my eyes. It seems so real. It looks prettier than before. It feels unreal now. I chuckle.

 
I go back to the living room.

  I still see myself on the couch.

  I sit next to myself. I remove the neuro-helmet.

  Déjà-vu. I remember removing the neuro-helmet already.

  I am so tired. I am dizzy. Everything is spinning.

  ***

  My muscles feel very sore. My neck hurts.

  I open my eyes. I am still on the couch. What happened again? I feel awful. And there is a horrible taste in my mouth. For a brief moment, I try to piece together what happened and why I am here. Then I remember. The handsome guy that I invited over. I move my upper body to a higher position, to sit on the couch instead of lying down. My legs press against a hard object.

  A hammer banged my face. This is the only way that I can think of that explains how bad it suddenly hurts. Fuck. My head. Hurts. So. Much.

  Is that the hangover? I can’t think properly. I close my eyes, dive down and nestle myself in fetal position. It hurts!

  I focus on my brain very hard. As if I could contract it to squeeze the pain out of my head. I squeeze as hard as I can. Fuck.

  Eventually, the pain recedes a bit and I open my eyes again. I miss a heartbeat when I see my own reflection, with eyes still closed. I quickly back away and hurt my leg against a chair.

  Fuck.

  This is not my reflection, this is the dead body of the neuro-engineer. This means that I am… in the handsome body. I quickly get up. Sharp pain in my head. I don’t care. I go to the bathroom. I look in the mirror.

  There he is. I look so much better now. I smile.

  I open the mirror cabinet and extract a box of paracetamol. I swallow a pill with some tap water. Then another pill. Fucking hangover, prevents me from enjoying this moment fully. I close the mirror cabinet after pocketing the box of drugs.

  My eyes look red and my skin very pale. Still good looking. Such a relief after the awful body I was in until last evening!

  I inspect hands and arms. No ugly scars. And there will not be any, as I am satisfied with this body. Oh. I need to check out the hidden part as well. I pull down my pants. That is a fine cock! Anything other than the ugly one I had before is an improvement. I wonder which size this one can reach. I gently stroke the tip.

  This is very exciting. This new body. Reuniting with the pleasures of the flesh. My grip gets firmer. My dick is growing and getting harder. I start sliding the foreskin back and forth. It feels great. I am so happy of this new acquisition.